Tacoma (Spanish Ballroom), Seattle (Neptune Theatre), Portland (Roseland Theatre) and Eugene (Sessions Music Hall) – 8-11 March 2020
The next day we drove to Boise. On the way out of town we stopped by a pharmacy and bought latex gloves and disinfectant. What is the best way to be a responsible touring band during a pandemic? Please leave your answer in the comment section!
We also bought a new box of Reese’s Pieces. I videotaped myself throwing them at Marissa while she tried to catch them in her mouth. When she finally succeeded she looked so thrilled she might explode. Please check out the video on my instagram (@dawn_riddle), it’ll change you.
Screaming Females played a headlining show at a place called The Shredder. The person from the venue wasn’t there when we arrived but there were a lot of e scooters sitting around everywhere. Marissa downloaded a scooter app and we all took turns bopping around. Mike has developed a new way to cough (no one has coronavirus don’t worry!). His cough sounds like a viral youtube screaming goat. It’s pretty cool.
The Shredder has a lot of arcade games and everyone in the band would like more venues to have arcade games around. TAKE NOTE! At all the PUP shows, the enthusiastic audience loves to show their joy by throwing up devil horns. At this show, the most stoked audience member just yelled, “I love you” in a guttural wail and gave a thumbs up. Things are different here.
We stayed at the Cabana Inn which is the greatest motel in America. TAKE NOTE!
After our wild and seemingly eternal day in Denver and Laramie, our Salt Lake City time seems almost not worth reporting on. On the way into town Kristina did her first plank of tour, we saw an enormous sumo wrestler statue wrapped in bubble wrap, we are all trying to wash our hands for at least 20 seconds and stop touching our own faces so much. Jarrett claims he doesn’t even need to sing the happy birthday song while washing his hands. He can just count to twenty. I’ll believe it when I see it.
The venue was arguably very horrible (huge dusty space with lots of gear and very few people who seem to work there), but it housed a lot of fun stuff to play on. First the entire band PLUS me and Krispy got on this piece of exercise equipment that I think the venue is throwing in the trash (the kind that had bars sticking out all over for pull ups and dip downs and all sorts of other feats of strength). BREAKING NEWS: Jarrett is the strongest one of us.
Also, inside the venue there was equipment and carts on wheels and ramps all over and absolutely no one around to tell us not to climb on it except for a sound guy that who palpably radiated hatred for all of us, but said not a word. We danced on some carts and slid down the ramp to the stage in cardboard boxes.
For a second time the venue served popcorn, but we were not given any. 😖
Over dinner I asked the band what their favorite chairs were:
Jarrett: British Pub Stool
*2 out of 3 members of Screaming Females prefer stools!*
Write this down.
After the show we went to the motel we’d booked and it was kind of a scene, everyone hanging out with their room doors open and some random kid running wild in the parking lot. When we got to our room there was a person in it and so we went back to the front desk and they were like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
So we dragged our tired selves to a different motel and honestly I don’t think even if Laramie Hotel Lady worked there we would have left. We slept great and began life anew the next day.
Okay, buckle up, this day was a doozy.
We arrived in Denver to beautiful weather and, after loading stuff in, took a stroll around town. Immediately every single person and animal was doing some mind blowing thing. Jarrett saw a man dressed all in leather with two belts tightened around his ankles, the ends just flopping around as he walked. We saw a hawk catch a pigeon and take it up into a tree to eat it. We saw a car try to exit a gas station by driving over two curbs towards a streetlight.
Weed is legal here and it shows. It’s also legal in Oregon (where I live), but people there don’t seem as consistently blazed as they do in Denver.
The best thing that happened to us in Denver (and the best thing that ever happened to Marissa in her life) was we were walking down the street and passed by a house with the front door open blasting Korn’s Freak on a Leash. We glanced towards the open door as we walked by and a man was in the hallway on crutches wearing pot leaf sweatpants. When he saw us he excitedly yelled, “what’s up my homies!”. Marissa hit the high point of her life at that moment.
We went back to the venue to meet up with Kristina aka Krispy (Jarrett’s partner and former fan site blogger) who is joining us for a few days. When we went into the venue, the security person asked me, “what’s going on here tonight? A meet and greet?” I never figured out if she didn’t know she was doing security for a concert.
Because the next show is in Salt Lake City, we booked a hotel room in Laramie, WY, about two hours away from Denver. Before leaving Colorado Mike smoked some pot (legally!) before we crossed over into a state where it isn’t legal. *LEGALIZE IT* 30 minutes into our drive he said, “man I am so stoned right now”. A moment later his phone rang. It was a lady from the hotel. Their conversation went something like this:
Hotel lady: Hello what time are you going to check in?
Mike: around 2am
Hotel Lady: Ohhhhh
Mike: Is that going to be okay?
Hotel Lady: I mean yes, but this is a horrible time to come here. A lot of awful stuff has been happening.
Mike: What kind of awful stuff?
Hotel Lady: Well, first of all, it’s Springtime, so it’s like 40 degrees…which is basically -11 degrees. Also there was a 100 car pile-up.
Mike: Whoa that sounds bad. Can we still come to the hotel?
Hotel Lady: Yeah. What time are you getting in?
Mike: Around 2am. We’re driving in from Denver.
Hotel Lady: Well this is a bad time to be coming through W lil mist rulles
Whoa okay, this is Dawn again. It looks like we all just got MISTED by lil mist. Right in the middle of me telling this story!
Okay so back to the story.
Hotel Lady: It’s a bad time to be coming through Wyoming.
Mike: Do you want us to not come to your hotel?
Hotel Lady: No, you can come.
Mike: Okay, I’m gonna get off the phone now.
So we already knew we were in for some type of odd check-in experience.
When we arrived Hotel Lady was mopping the carpeted floor. Mike, Marissa, and I went to the front desk and she hesitated before coming over. The moment she made eye contact with me I lost it. She had the look of someone seeing things we can’t see. I had to go back in the van. For 10 minutes they worked through the check-in process, during which she called Mike Mr. New Jersey and Mr. Lego Man (because his jacket has a rectangular pattern on it). There were so many weird interactions, but we were so tired and can’t remember them all. But by the time we got into the room we thought there was a possibility she was gonna try and murder us in our sleep.
The room was pretty gross, but it was also pretty cheap, so we weren’t shocked there. After a quick bed bug check we deadbolted and chain locked the door and got into our respective beds. Before any of us could fall asleep we heard a gentle tapping on the windows.
“Is that her?” I asked.
“No,” Mike said, “It can’t be.”
We lay very quietly. The tapping stopped.
A few minutes later the landline phone in the room started ringing. All of us stared at each other in horror.
“No no no, this can’t be happening.”
Marissa, by far the bravest person in the room, picked up the phone.
Hotel Lady: Mrs…Abbate?
Hotel Lady: Sup?
Marissa: Um what?
Hotel Lady: Waaaazzzzzzuppp!
Marissa: Hey we’re trying to go to sleep.
Hotel Lady: Oh darn!
*click* (hotel lady hangs up)
The general mood in the room went from what the fuck? To we’re gonna die here tonight.
Jarrett looked more scared than I’ve ever seen a person look.
Even though it was by then 330am, the consensus was, let’s get the hell out of here. We quickly packed up our belongings. We all feared opening the door to the room…imagining Hotel Lady standing on the other side giving us all a placid yet maniacal stare. Again Marissa, embodiment of courageousness, opened the door first. The halls were empty. We quickly got into the van and onto the highway.
We stayed at a more expensive, but less murder-y motel a few miles up the road. Even though we were all exhausted, we slept poorly, Hotel Lady’s voice and otherworldly stare haunting our dreams.
Grace cooked us a big breakfast and she and the band reminisced about the last time they’d stayed at her place and Mike had eaten a 12 egg omelette. At this breakfast we ate reasonable amounts of eggs (soft boiled). Right before we left Grace read that the Dixie Chicks had released a new single and we all gathered around her to watch the video on her phone. Grace cried through the whole dang video and we left and blasted Sin Wagon on the highway. Is that a perfect song? Quite possibly. If you think the Dixie Chicks have another perfect song, please post it in the comments!
We drove and drove and drove and got to Omaha.
We got dinner and then out of the blue, Mike dropped this bombshell: THE NOTES FOR A NEW SCREAMING FEMALES SONG!
Are you ready? They are:
D, E, F#, G, F#, E, C#, C#, B, A, B
So here’s the challenge I set before thee:
Based on the information above, try to play the song! On a bass or a guitar or a piano or, please please please, a flute! Send it to us via instagram DM or online tagging @official_screamales. Please do this, I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life (or at least on this blog). Just do your best!
Marissa’s voice was tired after they played and I was asked not to make her talk or laugh. It was then that I realized I have a problem. I derive the bulk of my serotonin by making Marissa laugh and if I can’t do that it’s like the world turns black and white and nothing is worth anything anymore. This was the worst night of my life.
Oh also we all used Instagram story filters for the first time. Some of them are pretty cool.
In the morning as we were packing up the van, two random dogs showed up to the delight of all. We had a very fancy breakfast downtown and me and Marissa split a brullee’d grapefruit which was everything I’d dreamed it could be. Then we went to Lawrence, KS. The day before we’d parted ways with PUP and Drew Thomson Foundation. The other bands took the day off, but Screaming Females had their own show. We stopped by a thrift store and I made Marissa buy herself a very fashionable sweater.
The show was in an antique schoolhouse and we were served baked potato bar by someone from the town! This is a good dinner idea and should happen more I think. Once we had carbo-loaded we had the energy to try and dance around the room with a small stuffed animal duck balanced on our heads.
Grace Ambrose came to the show and we stayed with her in her new home in Kansas City, MO. There was a good dog there and I shared a bed with a cat.